The Bookmobile/Transcript
(A police officer enters the bookmobile) Librarian: Welcome to the bookmobile! May I help you find something? Cop: You sure can. I'm looking for a book on dieting. Librarian: That section over there. Heavens, it must be so fascinating to be a police officer. Cop: Oh, ha, ha, ha, the tales I could tell! Although, I've been accused of taking too many bites out of crime! Ha, ha, ha! Librarian: You should write a book on all your experiences. I believe every person has a story to tell. Cop: Oh, this ought to do, although I don't have a library card. Librarian: You don't need one. I just have to scan you. Give me your hand. (She starts scanning his hand) Cop: That's some pretty high-tech stuff. (He disappears from the feet up and becomes a book on her desk entitled "My Life on the Beat". The Librarian picks up the book, revealing a photo of the cop on the back cover.) Librarian: Oh, how nice! (She puts the book down, turns around and looks at the map on the wall) Librarian: Let's see. Looks like our next stop will be Pleasantville! Title (High school) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: I guess being a werewolf has some advantages. I'm faster, I'm stronger, blah, blah, blah, but it also caused me some problems regular kids don't have to deal with. (Tommy walks to his locker while scratching his head. He walks up to Merton.) Tommy Dawkins: All right, give me the flea collar. Merton Dingle: Yeah! I knew you'd come around! (Gets collar out of locker and puts it around Tommy's neck.) Tommy Dawkins: I can't believe this, man. I was itching all during trig. Merton Dingle: Luckily you're a football player. People expect you to scratch. I think you'll like this one. It has a delightful wintergreen scent. (Stacey walks past and sees Tommy) Stacey Hanson: Way to accessorize, Tommy! (Giggles with friends and continues walking.) Tommy Dawkins: I can't take this anymore, man! Look, I don't care what you do, or how you do it, but find me a cure. (Walks away.) Merton Dingle: "Do this, Merton. Do that, Merton." Where's the love? (The Bookmobile enters Pleasantville and parks) (Dawkins home) Bob Dawkins: Dean, how about coming with me to the bookmobile? Dean Dawkins: It's a bookmobile, Dad. It can come to me! Chin up, Gilligan, little buddy. You're gonna get off that island someday. Bob Dawkins: Dean, it wouldn't kill you to read a book. Dean Dawkins: Yeah, well, that's a chance I'm not willing to take. (Bob takes the remote from Dean's hand.) Dad, no, come on. Bob Dawkins: Son! Dean Dawkins: Dad, not the remote. Bob Dawkins: Son! Dean Dawkins: Daddy! Bob Dawkins: Sorry. (Walks away.) Dean Dawkins: Daddy! But Daddy, no! No! Why me?! (Pretends to sob.) (Dean pulls out a box and opens it, and takes a spare remote from inside) (TNT enter the bookmobile. Travis is holding a ghetto blaster blaring on his shoulder.) Tim: Yo, Lee, can I get, uh, six fudgesicles, three rocket pops, and an Eskimo Pie with the knife? Librarian: Turn that off! This is a library! (Travis turns off the stereo. The librarian points to a sign reading "Shhh".) Librarian: Shh! Tim: Hey, Trav, isn't it illegal to impersonate an ice cream truck? Travis: No, that bill made it to the assembly, but it got rocked in the Senate, broski. Tim: In that case, I'll take a book on, uh, bicep development. Travis: Oh, step aside, Tiny Tim. I'm afraid I'll need a book on advanced tricep development. Librarian: I have just the book for you two. Lots of pictures. TNT: Oh! Librarian: Give me your palms. (She scans their palms and they become a book entitled "Weightlifting for Dummies") Librarian: Indeed! (Merton's lair.) Merton Dingle: Saturn's third moon full! Oberon full! Gannon full! Io full! Banzai! (Becky enters) Becky Dingle: Can you not talk to yourself so loud? I have friends coming over later. Merton Dingle: Oh, I see. Hanging out after school with a few select pals. Yeah, I know how it is. Becky Dingle: Ah, nope, you don't. (She gives him a bunch of framed photographs) Merton Dingle: These are all of me! Becky Dingle: Yeah, well, some of my friends don't know that you're my brother. I want to keep it that way. (Leaves.) Merton Dingle: (Looking at photo.) Huh, cute kid! (Bookmobile) Bob Dawkins: Welcome to Pleasantville. I'm mayor Bob Dawkins. How do you find our fair town? Librarian: Well, it could use a Starbucks, but on the whole it's been very quaint. Bob Dawkins: You've got quite a collection of books here. I bet there's a couple I'd like to jump into right away. Librarian: Well, let's get started! (The Factory. Tommy sits at the bar.) Tommy Dawkins: Copet. (Bartender waves his hand to suggest Tommy's breath stinks and pushes a pack of breath mints his way on the counter. Tommy tries to smell his breath and is disgusted.) Tommy Dawkins: (Whispering to himself.) Wolf breath! Oh! (He sees Stacey waving to him and he waves back. He downs the pack of breath mints. She walks up.) Stacey Hanson: Hey, Tommy. Tommy Dawkins: Thanks, Mickey. Stacey Hanson: What? Tommy Dawkins: What's up? Stacey Hanson: I just spent the last three hours with my head buried in a physics textbook. I'm so stressed out. Tommy Dawkins: Well, you have just sat next to the right guy. I've got magic hands! Turn around. I'll give you a back rub. (He starts rubbing her shoulders) Stacey Hanson: Mmm, that's great. Oh, you have no idea how good that feels. Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Oh, yes, I did! (His hands wolf out. He hides them behind his back.) Stacey Hanson: What's the matter? Tommy Dawkins: You know who gives better back rubs? Olaf at the Sports Medicine Clinic. You should look him up. Um, he fixed my charley horse. Later! (Rushes away.) Stacey Hanson: Wait! (On the way out, Tommy bumps into Merton) Merton Dingle: Tommy! I've got huge news! Tommy Dawkins: Not now, Merton, I'm about to transform! You gotta talk to me down. Please! Merton Dingle: Okay, okay. Uh, calming scenarios. How about Sunday in the park? Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on! Merton Dingle: Okay, ah... Ah... A soft breeze blows through the heather. Songbirds fill the air with their melodies. Oh, but look yonder. The Henderson family's having a picnic. "Son, eat your sandwich and we'll play wiffle ball." "But Father, I don't fancy egg salad. I much prefer tea and crumpets. I'd also a porridge. Porridge tastes good in my tummy, ah..." Tommy Dawkins: Okay, I'm back. Look, I'm back. Merton! Merton! Merton! I'm back! I'm back! I'm back! Merton Dingle: Yeah. Tommy Dawkins: Barely, but I'm back. I can't take being a werewolf anymore! Merton Dingle: That's what I came to get you for! I found a loophole! Your werewolf days are over! (Merton's lair) Merton Dingle: Here's your werewolf loophole. There are sixty-one moons in the solar system, and once every seventy years they're all full on the same day, creating a window of transference. And that day is tomorrow! Tommy Dawkins: Man, that's so ironic. Merton Dingle: Actually it's a coincidence. It would have been ironic if the window were yesterday. Tommy Dawkins: Oh. I can't believe it, man. I am actually gonna be back to normal again! Now I'm gonna be able to get together with Stacey! The old Tommy Dawkins is back, baby! Merton Dingle: Now remember, it's a window of transference. There's still the small matter of who you're gonna transfer your werewolfism to. Tommy Dawkins: So I, like, just give it to somebody and that's it, they're it? Merton Dingle: Well, if you feel the need to reduce, lycanthro-astronomical science to a game of werewolf tag, that's your prerogative. Tommy Dawkins: I know who I'm gonna give it to: Lennie Womack. I hate that guy! Merton Dingle: Yeah, I hate him, too, but he's already something of a pyromaniac. You don't wanna spawn a werewolf arsonist. Tommy Dawkins: So, who do I pick? Merton Dingle: Well, obviously someone who's virtuous and wildly intelligent and handsome in a quirky, unconventional way. (Locker hall) Merton Dingle: Brett Johnson?! Tommy Dawkins: Class president, letters in two sports, Eagle Scout... Merton Dingle: Eagle Scout? Oh, great! He'll be the only werewolf in North America who can identify edible berries on a nature walk! Tommy Dawkins: Hey, you know what'd be a cool werewolf? Jackie Chan! He'd do, like, this wolf-fu on, on a village full of warlords, and a... Merton Dingle: Uh, yeah! You've only got about seven hours to swim to Hong Kong! Come on, who's the backup choice? Tommy Dawkins: Okay, Brett Johnson. What do I do? Merton Dingle: You bite his carotid artery. Tommy Dawkins: You got it. (He starts towards Brett, then pauses and turns back) Tommy Dawkins: What? Merton Dingle: The neck! (Tommy gingerly walks closer to Brett) Tommy Dawkins: Hey, Brett, what's going on? Brett: Oh, I'm, ah, just heading over to the shelter to feed the homeless. If you're interested, I got an extra ladle! (Tommy goes to bite Brett's neck but stops a few inches from it) Tommy Dawkins: Can't do it! (Stacey has seen what Tommy did) Brett: Say, Tom, the next time you feel that special way about a fellow, you should really take the time to find out if that fellow feels the same way. Tommy Dawkins: No, no, no, no! It's not what you think! Brett: Shh. Look, you don't have to explain anything to me, Tom. This is really a discussion you should have with your clergyman or a licensed counselor. (Tommy looks around and sees Stacey cringing and turning away) (Bookmobile) Stacey Hanson: Do you have a book on teen psychology? Librarian: What's the problem? Eating disorder? Peer pressure? Dawson's Creek withdrawal? Stacey Hanson: No, there's this guy at school and he can be really sweet, but he's so weird. Librarian: Men! I have just the book for you, sweetie, but first I'm gonna have to scan your pretty palm! (She scans Stacey's palm) (Dawkins' residence. Dean is watching TV. His mom comes in while on the phone.) Sally Dawkins: Dean, have you seen your father this afternoon? Dean Dawkins: Not unless he was on Hogan's Heroes. Sally Dawkins: Oh, so odd! I was supposed to interview him about the bookmobile and he just kept me waiting and waiting! Dean Dawkins: Yeah, tell me about it, Mom. I can't watch Power Rangers till the stupid State of the Union Address is over. (Bookmobile. Tommy and Merton enter.) Merton Dingle: Oh, cool book! (Takes a book off the counter.) Is that Babylonian? Librarian: Yes, but it's from my own private collection. (Takes book back.) You can't see it. The occult section is over there. Merton Dingle: Mm-hmm. (They go over to the occult section) Tommy Dawkins: I choked. I just couldn't give the curse to some unsuspecting guy. Merton Dingle: Tommy, the answer's right in front of you! Tommy Dawkins: (Looking at the book in his hands.) The big book of wizards? Merton Dingle: No, Tommy, I was gonna let you come to the conclusion on your own, but you didn't. I'd be the perfect werewolf, Tommy. Bite me! Bite me! Bite me!! Librarian: Shh! This is a library! Tommy Dawkins: You? Merton Dingle: Yeah. Tommy Dawkins: Merton, you're barely making it as a human. Merton Dingle: (Giving the book he's holding to the librarian.) Okay. Librarian: Just have to scan your palm. (Merton holds his palm out and the librarian scans his palm. Nothing happens. Merton holds up his hand with a fingerless glove on it.) Merton Dingle: Huh! Huh! Pretty cool, huh? Librarian: Not in my book! Let's take them off. Merton Dingle: Ooh, let's not! Librarian: Oh, yes! Merton Dingle: Oh, no! Librarian: Let's take them off. (They struggle over the glove) Merton Dingle: Come on! No! Lady! Uh! (He jerks his hand away.) You probably couldn't boil water with these spells, anyway! (Starts leaving.) Tommy Dawkins: (Near entrance bookshelf.) Weird. Look. (Points at book.) Looks like Stacey, huh? Merton Dingle: "All-American Cheerleader." (Merton's lair) Merton Dingle: Chop, chop, Tommy! We're running out of time to do the transfer, then the window closes for another seventy years! Tommy Dawkins: It's a big decision, Merton. You really think you're up to it? Merton Dingle: Think about it. I've been preparing for this my whole life! I've been up countless nights watching American Werewolf in London, American Werewolf in Paris. I even wrote a screenplay for American Werewolf in Leningrad, which of course is now St. Petersburg, but the story still works. Tommy Dawkins: Okay, Merton I'll do it. Merton Dingle: What? Tommy Dawkins: I said I'll do it. I'll turn you into a werewolf. Merton Dingle: Oh! I'll get the rubbing alcohol! (Goes to wardrobe.) Garlic, stakes and knives. Are you up-to-date on your rabies shots? Doesn't matter! Ah, sheep's brains, pig's fetus, lunch, rubbing alcohol! (Merton dabs some rubbing alcohol on his neck, crosses his heart, then places his head down on a table, exposing his neck in preparation. Tommy starts bowing down to bite Merton when he is interrupted by the news on TV.) TV: Pleasantville News. Sally Dawkins... Tommy Dawkins: Oh, my mom! Look! Sally Dawkins: I've just been handed some missing persons bulletins. Merton Dingle: Ah? Sally Dawkins: Searches are being conducted for the following people: Michael Kuser, Tim and Travis Eckert, Paula Doherty, and Stacey Hanson. Tommy Dawkins: Stacey's missing? Sally Dawkins: And on a lighter note, we bid a fond farewell to the bookmobile as it moves on down to Lumberton. Merton Dingle: Bookmobile? Tom, what was the name of that book that reminds you Stacey? Tommy Dawkins: Uh, um, All-American Cheerleaders. Why? Merton Dingle: Hang on a minute. (Merton goes to his computer, and types in "All-American Cheerleader" in a book search at bibliocheck.com. The result is "No Such Title".) Merton Dingle: Like I thought, no such book in print! The librarian wanted to scan my palm, and she had those Babylonian texts. You know what the Babylonians invented, don't you? Tommy Dawkins: Oh! Oh! I know that one! It was the airplane. Oh, no, that was Orville and Wilbur Redenbacher. Merton Dingle: Palmistry! They invented palm reading. They thought a person's life was captured in his palm. Get it? Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... Maybe. Merton Dingle: (Sighs.) The librarian is a palm-scanning human book absorptionist! Okay, that's not the Latin name for it, but then she's turning people into books! Tommy Dawkins: And the bookmobile's leaving town! Merton Dingle: Yeah... Tommy Dawkins: I gotta go! Merton Dingle: Wait, you don't know... Bite me! I'll take care of it! Tommy Dawkins: I'm sorry, little buddy, but I'm a little more experienced in that whole superhero stuff. (Tommy wolfs out and runs super speed down the streets and chases the Bookmobile. Merton follows in his hearse. Tommy catches up to the Bookmobile, climbs up the back of it and over the roof and puts his face down on the windshield, scaring the librarian who hits the breaks and runs into the back of the bookmobile. Tommy enters through the driver's side window and follows her.) Tommy Dawkins: I know what you're doing! Well, merton does, but I understand most of it. Now, turn these books back into people! Librarian: Make me! Tommy Dawkins: Oh! Ho-ho! (Merton enters) Merton Dingle: Tommy, the window closes in three minutes. Bite me and I'll take grandma down. (The librarian secretly grabs a boxer's book off the shelf) Librarian: One moment, please! (The librarian disappears from bottom to top, then reappears as the boxer from the book, still holding the book. He throws down the book and gets ready to fight as a bell sounds.) Merton Dingle: Maybe you should handle this one. Tommy Dawkins: Hey! Junior Louis! Hey, I saw you... (Gets hit in the face by the boxer.) Heh, heh. We'll talk later. (Tommy gets hit a few more times) Merton Dingle: Give him a shot to the kidneys! (Tommy gets hit.) Or you take it to the face. I don't... (Tommy gets hit.) Get in there! (Tommy gets hit many times) Tommy Dawkins: (To Merton.) Dial change! (Tommy punches the boxer a few times and finishes him with a kick. The boxer goes down, only to reappear as a ninja holding a book entitled "Ninja Combat". The ninja swings at Tommy a few times with a sword. Tommy dodges the blows but is nearly cut.) Tommy Dawkins: Merton! Do something! (Merton looks around, sees the "Shhh" poster, and turns on the loud stereo that Travis brought into the Bookmobile. The ninja stops fighting and covers his ears. He disappears and the librarian reappears.) Librarian: This is a library! (Tommy finds the scanner on the ground, grabs it, then grabs the librarian's hand as she walks past) Librarian: Oh no! Tommy Dawkins: Gimme your hand! Librarian: Let go of me, you furball! (Merton is trying to open the door. The librarian sees him.) Librarian: You're history, spike head! Merton Dingle: (Waving at her.) Hi! (Tommy tries to scan her hand, but she makes a fist, preventing him.) Librarian: Hey, no! No! (Tommy charges up the scanner) Tommy Dawkins: This book is way overdue! (Tommy scans her hand and she disappears into a book) Merton Dingle: Tommy, are you okay? Tommy Dawkins: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine, thanks. Merton, listen, about the werewolf... Merton Dingle: Ah! Too late. Pluto's moon is no longer full. The window of transference is closed for another seventy years. Tommy Dawkins: I'm sorry. Merton Dingle: Ah, don't worry about it. You're a better werewolf than I could ever be. Tommy Dawkins: So, what do we do about turning all these books back into people? (Merton sees a sign which reads "Books come alive when you read them!") Merton Dingle: "books come alive when you read them." that's it! We have to read all these books! Tommy Dawkins: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I've only read four books in my entire life. There's... There's gotta be a thousand books here! Merton Dingle: Let's get started! (Merton hands Tommy a book) Merton Dingle: Come on! (They start reading books. Later, Tommy is reading the last page of Stacey's book.) Tommy Dawkins: I can't believe it! It says here in the last page that Stacey thinks I'm cute! This is one book I never want to put down. (He kisses the cover and puts it down. The book transforms and Stacey reappears.) Stacey Hanson: What am I doing here? Tommy Dawkins: Well, maybe you're lost on your way to Miller's swimming hole, where I understand you went skinny-dipping last fourth of July. Stacey Hanson: What?! You've been spying on me?! (Starts walking out.) What a perv! Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, but I'm a cute perv! (Dawkins' residence, dining room.) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Things are pretty much back to normal, for now. Sally Dawkins: Since the bookmobile was such a hit, I've invited a rolling science-fair to come to town! You just go into the van and do experiments! (Tommy chokes on his food.) Fun, huh? Tommy Dawkins: Mmm! (Tommy and Merton stash the book away on a shelf in Merton's lair) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: And the librarian? If you're interested in learning more about her, I can recommend a book for you. It's called "How to Run an Evil Bookmobile", but it's hard to find. As for transferring the power to someone else, I don't have to worry about that anytime soon. (Tommy's in the cafeteria food line at school. Merton rushes up beside him holding a calendar open to May 2069.) Merton Dingle: Tommy! Mark your calendar seventy years from now! It's switcheroo time! Awoooo! (Runs off howling happily.) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: There was one nice thing to come out of all this. Even though I was a werewolf, I was still cool enough to start trends. (Tommy looks and sees that a number of other students are wearing flea collars) Category:Transcripts